


giving up was easier than trying

by orphan_account



Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan
Genre: Angst??, I swear there's a happy ending, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, but back then i was like five times more suicidal than i am now, i mean it's still really bad, i remember i wrote this when my depression was really bad, i wrote this in september of 2016 and just found it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-03
Updated: 2017-08-03
Packaged: 2018-12-10 18:43:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11697636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Nico has spend all his life since his sister died being told things like "Don't give up" and "It gets better", but when does that happen?





	giving up was easier than trying

 

Grover and Nico walked around, Nico rambling on and on about how he’s been searching for that dam Hades Figurine, and has almost given up on finding it. He’s been searching for it since he can remember, which it pretty literal here. The Satyr saw that Nico cared for these “silly figurines” almost too much. “You can’t give up on finding it. I’m not giving up on finding Pan because I haven’t seen him yet, so you can’t give up on this Hades Doll.” Grover had said this, not realizing he called it a doll, and then had to deal with the young Italian going on and on about how it’s not a doll, it’s a figurine. Then, Grover had to deal with him talking about how Pan’s been lost for years, and how it’s not likely for some average Satyr like Grover to find him, which didn’t hurt Grover’s ego one bit, not at all. 

 

_ You Can’t Give Up Yet _

 

Nico had been searching for a fuck to give. 

Not this time, actually. He was searching of Mrs. O’Leary’s ball. Fetch was getting hard with sticks, so he managed to find a ball to use. Sure, it was giant, and neon, but damn, Nico couldn’t find it. He’d been searching for at least ten minutes, or it felt like it. The Son of Hades was far into the woods by now, not even technically in Camp by now. When he heard footsteps he froze for a moment, grabbing his sword and turning to the sound only two seconds after he heard it. Thanking the lord and all the gods, it was only Leo and Piper. Nico could’ve had it be someone else and have been much happier, and by now, he didn’t never want the fucking ball.  He just wanted to get out of the woods, and sure, Leo and Piper weren’t the best for this job, but they were good enough. The duo did laugh a little at the fact that Nico managed to loose a giant, neon ball for his Hell Hound puppy, but it was mostly Leo laughing. After Piper made him stop laughing with her charmspeak, because he wouldn’t shut up about it otherwise, and Nico didn’t pay much attention to their interaction.

“So Nico, when did you start looking for this ball exactly?” Piper asked

“Around 2:30, why?” 

“ It’s almost dinner, Nico.” 

He certainly didn’t think that could’ve been true. After lots of talking, they told him all the cabins went looking for him, and that they were worried. They got him out. They also managed to get out of him that he gave up on trying to get out of the woods after a while, and guessed he’d get lost again without being noticed. The pair looked shocked, maybe hurt. Nico was not good at emotion. “Nico, you can’t give up so quickly. We all were worried. Percy and Jason had to have some bro time to make sure that they were okay because they weren’t cure you were okay.” 

 

_ “Don’t  give up so soon.”  _

 

Nico wanted to give up, definitely. He wanted to run off, and never do this again. Annabeth was a good teacher, and Thalia made it a million times more fun. But, Nico wasn’t good at learning the way most teachers teach. Annabeth knew that, and changed her methods to work best for the son of Hades, but nothing was working well. Annabeth tried everything she knew to work with herself, her siblings, their friends, Percy, all the seven, fuck, she’d even called Reyna asking for help. Thalia? The hunters were at Camp Half Blood for a while, while Artemis was dealing with some stuff that she wasn’t gonna even tell Thalia yet. Nico didn’t want to do this, he didn’t want to go back to school. He had crazy bad dyslexia, and worse ADHD, not to mention the crippling depression, PTSD, and your typical di Angelo stuff. Not to mention Nico was terrible to talking to people. Annabeth insists that he tries to go back to school, specifically Percy’s school. Nico knew Annabeth had Nico in mind here. I mean, it was a nice school, and he already knew someone, and Paul Blowfis, Percy’s Step father, was a teacher there. But Nico and school just didn’t work. After countless hours of flipping through textbooks, Annabeth giving mini-lectures, Nico falling to the floor in despair, Annabeth ha dot take a break to try another method. Meanwhile, Thalia was still right here, with her own ideas. 

Nico was still on the floor. 

“C’mon, Nico. You’ve gotta get up. Annabeth wants you to learn Math next, and you can’t lay down at a 180 degree angle and find the square root of the teacher’s bullshit.” 

Nico didn’t get up. 

“Dude, I get it. School’s tough for us, especially you. I get that. Annabeth does. But she wants you to do well in life, and you need to go to school for that almost all the time. Don’t give up so soon, it’ll be worth it in the end, I promise.” Thalia said, opening a Math book. “Nico, do you like candy? Every question you get right, I’ll give you some, okay? That sound fair?” 

Nico got up almost immediately after hearing that.. He walked back to his chair, and started trying to do the equations. Did he get most of them wrong the first time? Yes. Did he almost give up? Yes, again. Did he give up? No, he wanted those fucking gummy bears. 

 

_ “It’s too late to be giving up”  _

 

Nico wanted to sleep. He truly did. He just wanted to sleep, forget it all, and have something good happen, even if it’s just in a dream. The only problem? Nico couldn’t unseen Tartarus. Every time he had his eyes closed for over a minute, he’d see it. His doctor / friend, Will Solace, had made him stay in the infirmary for three days a few weeks previous to this. As much as Nico wouldn’t wanna admit it, but he slept okay those three days. Okay by Nico’s standards meant he actually slept for more than three hours, and he was currently running out of options of how to sleep. Walking to the Apollo Cabin, or infirmary, would be too far. Shadow Travel was dangerous for Nico while he was fully awake and healthy, so doing this on the verge of passing out? Not a good idea… 

Nico did it anyway. 

When he got to the Infirmary, Will was in there, half asleep. Nico didn’t quite know what to do. He could wake him, or he could let him rest and try to figure out which meds helped him sleep last time, but that sounds like a dumber idea than the first one. He tapped the Son of Apollo’s shoulder, waking him almost right away. After a few minutes of half-awake humor, Will found him a place to sleep and some meds for the night, while writing a doctor’s note, giving him a prescription of them. Before Nico passed out, he could hear Will murmur something. 

“It’s too late to be giving up on sleeping, Nico. I need you to sleep.” 

With that, Nico was gone. 

 

_ “ You’re almost done, you got this.”  _

 

Nico hated training with the Romans sometimes. He mostly hated it because his face got all red when he trained, and you don’t look tough when your face resembles a tomato. Going off to meet up with Hazel was possibly his favorite part of visiting Camp Jupiter, though. Hazel, Frank and Nico all had a picnic planned for lunch, which brings us to what is happening now. Nico loves his sister so much, and he loved that her and Frank were in love, and he liked Frank. Although Hazel and Nico were pretty sure Frank was afraid of him still. Most of the food was, in fact, made by Hazel and Frank. Reyna did give them some food, too, as she would’ve tried eating with them, but got busy. 

Nico could hardly stomach a full meal without throwing up. It’s not that he didn’t want to eat, he truly did by now. He just couldn’t without his body rejecting it within an hour or so. He hated not being able to just eat food like everyone else and not feel awful afterwards. Hazel had noticed Nico hardly ate any of his sandwich, which she cut into four triangles. He had about a triangle and a half, and couldn’t stomach any more. Frank had, by then walked off to pick flowers, become a bumblebee, the norm. Hazel wanted to join him, she couldn’t just leave her brother out here starving. She knew he doesn’t like talking about his problems verbally. That much she wouldn’t dare push. She scribbled down a message on a napkin, tossing it to Nico, who was laying down, looking at the sky. Nico sat up, looking confused as he saw his sister running to the field with Frank. He saw the note, reading it a few times to make sure he read it right. 

“Nico, I know you can’t eat much, but you’re almost done, you got this. You almost finished that triangle. You’re so close, I believe in you.” 

_ Nico finished the triangle before he joined Hazel and Frank in the field.  _

 

_ “ We can’t give up.” _

 

Nico loved Reyna. She was his best friend. They were an amazing duo, knowing how each other fought, knowing how each other think, knowing how they worked together. Reyna loved Nico, too. Currently, Nico hated her guts.

Reyna though it would be a good idea to go to therapy in New Rome, because frankly, Nico needed it. Yeah, Nico knew he needed it. Did he want it? Sorta. He knew it’d be good for him, but he knew he wouldn’t like it. Nico knew he wasn’t good with dealing with any of his problems, or his insomnia, or what Will Solace diagnosed as Severe PTSD. Reyna had gotten Nico out of bed, and halfway there, when he froze. He couldn’t move. His breath was shaky, all this anxiety hitting him at once. Reyna, being someone who isn’t around people with anxiety as bad as Nico’s, had very little idea of what to do. The more nervous Nico looked, the more she wished she could help.  Reyna may have been strong and powerful, but she never knew a thing about this, she wasn’t raised to help people calm down from what could be an anxiety attack. Luckily for both of them, Jason had seen Nico from afar, and came over as quickly as he could. 

“Nico, try breathing. Breathe in for five seconds, try holding it for another five, and letting it all out for five again. Can you do that for me and Reyna?” Nico was silent, not sure if he could even breathe “Please, Nico, we can’t give up on this.”  Jason sounded soothing, like he could lure you to sleep. Nico robbed quietly, breathing as Reyna counted to five quietly.  After a few minutes, Nico was good to go back and have some hot cocoa, and ditch the therapy for this week. They’ve got other weeks, and Jason and Reyna were here to help him. 

 

_ “ Don’t you dare give up on me”  _

 

Nico didn’t want to live. He didn’t want to deal with anymore. He couldn’t. He couldn’t deal with it. He could hardly leave his cabin without feeling judged. Mortals didn’t like him, demigods didn’t like him, some gods didn’t like him. Only Ghosts like Nico di Angelo, so the real question was, why not become one? 

He couldn’t find anything to stop him, to be honest. Hazel, she could visit him, Reyna would move on, she’s strong like that. Jason and Percy could move on, too. Nico didn’t even think Percy liked him, as a person, for that matter. Nico’s Cabin was empty aside from him, like every other day. He couldn’t wait to actually die, he figured it’d probably be the highlight of his life. His short, fairly pathetic, life, as he called it. 

Nico laid there, knowing he’d die soon. He could feel other people dying, and he could even feel himself dying. The lights were off, doors unlocked, tissues scattered around the floor from crying. A gently knock came to the door, making Nico shake. The door was unlocked, so they could let themselves in, if they wanted. HIs vision was getting worse, as he startled to feel dizzy. Nico didn’t want them to walk in, he just wanted to die already. God Dammit, why was dead so slow? The knocking happened again, as he heard the door open. There were gently footsteps leading to Nico’s bed, where he laid, his suicide note next to him. 

“Nico? Nico?? No, please no…” Percy. Of course it was Percy who came in. Nico’s eyes slowly fluttered opened, knowing he was good as dead by now. Percy’s green eye’s lit up for a second as he say Nico wasn’t dead yet. Tears streamed down Percy’s face as he grabbed Nico into a hug, trying to be as gentle as possible with him.  “Please, Don’t die on me… ” Percy’s voice was shaky, his tears getting on Nico. He hugged Percy back weakly, 

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t live this life anymore.”  Nico’s voice was weak, making Percy aware he could’ve save him. 

“Don’t you dare give up on me, Nico.” 

With that, Nico di Angelo took his last breathe in this lifetime. 

 

_ "I believe in you. “  _

 

Bianca di Angelo told Nico those words daily. She knew he was gonna do wonderful things when he grew up, and she knew he’d screw up, but then again, that’s just life. Bianca would tell Nico she believed in him back at the Lotus Casino, when he was playing a game, and some bigger kid thought they could beat Nico at Mythomagic. That’s their own mistake, thinking they could beat Nico at Mythomagic. Bianca reminded Nico she believed in him the first time he failed a test, when he walked to their room crying. She wiped his tears away, and helped him study to redo it and ace it the next time around. 

Bianca reminded Nico she believed him when he told her he had a crush on a kid in his class, talking about how cute he was. She always knew Nico was a chatterbox, but she hadn’t ever heard him talk so much in a while. Bianca reminded Nico she believed in him when he played sports, which was quite often at their Military School. She’d always get some girls from her class to help her bake him a cake to celebrate, whether they won or lost. He’d always get frosting all over his face, and told Bianca the blue cakes here the prettiest. Bianca reminded Nico she believed in him when she became a Hunter of Artemis, becoming immortal and essentially ditching Nico in the demigod world. Nico was devastated, angry, sad, and jealous all at once. He wanted Bianca back. He wanted the sister he’d had to cry on’s shoulder, the sister he had to help study, to teach him to cook, to teach him right from wrong. Bianca believed in Nico the whole time he was alive without her. In the Labyrinth, in the Battle of Manhattan, in Tartarus, at Camp Jupiter, everywhere. She believed in him when he appeared in the Underworld, crying his eyes out because he already wished he was alive again, realizing how much his death made everyone feel pain.

 

\--

 

Nico shook awake, eyes darting around the room. His whole body felt sore, as he laid back down, closing his eyes. After a moment, his eyes stuttered back opened, surveying the room a little better. In the small, small, very small, infirmary room, there was Grover, Piper, Leo, Annabeth, Thalia, Will, Hazel, Frank, Jason, Reyna, Percy, and for a moment, just a moment, he thought he saw Bianca. He blinked, seeing the sight of Bianca disappear. He heard just about everyone in the room scream his name, smiling. Nico covered his ears, closing his eyes as well. Nico’s eyes fluttered opened again, ears uncovered. 

“W-What happened? Why am I hear? Why are all of you guys here?” Nico questioned. sitting up a little. 

“I found you in your Cabin. You were almost dead. Almost. You were sorta actually dead, I think? I’m not sure, but I brought you here, and Will took care of you.’ Percy was sort of mumbling the entire time, which made it hard to hear. 

“I-I’m not dead?” Nico asked. Everyone in the room could see he wasn’t upset about not being dead, almost… happy. No, Nico and happy couldn’t go in the same sentence. The son of Hades’ eyes were watering, as he dragged Percy into a hug.  “Thank you so much for saving me, and breaking into my cabin without permission, and bringing me here. Thank you.” Tears rushed down the Italian’s face, which was buried into Percy’s shoulder. Not that either of them minded, at this point. 

 

The next couple of days were busy for Nico, having people visit him, doing small check-ups, finding out he was down for almost a whole week in a coma. He didn’t mind any of this, though. He was just happy to be alive, and to know there were people who had hope in him when he wasn’t even alive, and when he was and just didn’t know it. 

**Author's Note:**

> hi!!! i'm sorry if this was confusing, i wrote it almost a year ago and decided to post it. i remember when i wrote it, i felt awful about myself and i kinda projected a lot of that into this fic


End file.
